While I was traveling I loved to write. I always had exciting experiences to document, hurtles I overcame, feelings to share about. It was easy. Now I feel like I am loosing it. The days sometimes feel like they came and went and just passed me by. I often wonder if I am wasting my time here. I have begun a routine of Yoga every morning I wake up, after I feed my addiction to facebook. Something I need to work on as well. Anyways, I have a lot of freetime around my work schedule and I contemplate if I am utilizing it to the best of my ability. I have thoughts run through my head that maybe I am dealing with some form of depression. But then I think I am just over reacting and self diagnosing which I am often good at. Instead of writing, I just lay in my bed in my air conditioned room and contemplate my life. When I lay my head down at night I think of all these things I want to write about but as soon as I have the time to write my head is blank. Thank god writing is not making me a living or I would go broke.
In regards to the question of depression, maybe if I spill my guts out on here it will help me sort through my thoughts.
(I just posted a blog I wrote in the beginning of October, I am not editing this blog much so forgive me if they repeat or contradict themselves, this is the growth, the setbacks, the feelings raw and real)
I am finding it hard to get motivated to do much of anything, even stuff that requires no real physical effort. The other day, it was my first day off in over a week and I just laid in bed, all day. I beat myself up for wasting a day away, wasting the precious sun that shines so hot here every damn day. Wasting the hours of exploring I could have done, yet I had no desire nor motivation to move out of bed. I just laid. I tried over and over to give myself permision to have a lazy day. I didn't even eat until 5pm, which is like a miracle for me. All the while I laid there thinking I was lazy. Fat, boring, depressed, sad, lonely, but hey, I am in Thailand so its okay right?!
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I don't even know the answer to that anymore.
I have learned is that growth is painful, and when the pain gets great enough I will put in the work to change. So how does one get to this place? How have I gone from feeling free and brave, to downright hateful towards myself?
I am working on changing my negative thoughts to positive ones. I know it works, and it changes perspective, it changes experiences.
But here's my vommit: I live in a place that is incredibly hot almost all the time. Trying to venture out on my own is a day trip in itself (although I am beginning to get the hang of the layout here). Riding a motorbike is probably the most stressful parts of my days. I know very few people here, recovery is almost 90% male expats. I wake up everyday obsessed with looking at facebook to see what is going on in all of my friends and families lives. I sometimes get resentful because I wish more people would connect with me via messenger or whatsapp thinking maybe I wouldnt be so obsessed with checking facebook.
I miss my routine at home. Yes I said it.
- I miss work, school, working out, service work, my sponsor, my family, feeling apart of. I miss laughing until my stomach hurt. I miss cooking my own food. I miss my bed. I miss the rain and the refreshing clean air. I miss driving. I miss having motivation to do things because I know where to go and what to do. I miss having direction. Stability. Yes I miss it all.
Sometimes when people tell me I am living the dream I want to share with them the reality of what the "dream" is. And who's to say this is the dream? What if my dream changes, constantly? And if you think I am living the dream, come and join me! Its a hot sweaty mess of a dream, but yes I can agree I will never regret having done this with my life. Having turned my entire life upside down to see the world, to explore the cultures, to open my eyes to things I would have never learned had I not chosen this.
Yet I still feel alone, sad, even dare I say it bored sometimes.
No matter where I go there I am is an understatement. Sometimes where you go, there you are tenfold.
All the defects and acting out to almost destroy a person.
Maybe thats it. Maybe this is the destruction of self to be who I really am supposed to be. To peal back all my layers and face each one head on. Im sure I sound negative. I am sure I sound ungrateful and depressing. It is not my intent. I love my job, and the new friends I am making. I intend to jump into service here with NA and commit to a homegroup. I believe it will help. Yoga has helped. For an hour an a half each day I am out of my head listening to the instructor guide me into positions that once were easy for me. Id like to become a yoga teacher someday, somewhere in the world. I have dreams, and aspirations still. They constantly change. I never want to stop traveling, but I long for the comfort of my friends and family.
How big is my god? I once heard someone say.
My god connects all of us together in some way.
Creator protects and guides me each day.
The universe conspired for me to be here today.
I accept the challenge to continue this journey regardless of feelings of loneliness and worry.
Self acceptance has been the hardest lesson on this journey.
It is more relevant in my life than it ever has been. Living without constant reassurance and approval from others has shown me how much I relied on it to change my feelings inside.
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I stared at myself in the mirror today while getting my haircut. It was the longest I have looked in a mirror in a long time. What I found amazing is how beautiful I thought I was. And that is not to sound consceded because believe me I have drenched myself with hate many times n the last 4 months. I have ripped myself apart for what I percieve in the mirror. I think the last time someone told me in person that I was beautiful was in Pai, Thailand at the very beginning of my trip. Thats really hard to swallow. My self confidence has sunk so low that I often dont even have the desire to reach out and let others get to know my insides because my outsides feel so ugly. Seeing myself today, and not crying, just smiling was a moment I will cherish and hold on to. When exploring the town with a friend of mine here, she often gets asked by locals to take a picture. They never ask me. Its fucking difficult not to compare or allow that to eat away any self acceptance. Its not even a big deal to most, but when it happens blatenely right in front of you and your already struggling with your appearance its like throwing oil on the fire.
Why do I feel the need to look a certain way in order to feel self acceptance? I dont think its all looks, I know its not. I know I struggle with myself because I struggle internally. When I eat I have little determination to be mindful, when I have free time I find it hard to get motivated to do ANYTHING, I have all this time to be working on myself and I sit in my head instead. I think of all the things I could or should or would be doing.
In turn, my self hatred is fed.
Time used to be my excuse. " I dont have time" or "If only I had time to..."
Time is an illusion. There is no begining or end. It is a constant. There is always time.
Who's to say who makes use of their time. Only we ourselves can determine that.
I am determined to love myself. I am determined to grow, change, and transform into the beautiful human I was created to be. I am determined to let go of size, and appearance. I am determined to not be offended when there was no intentional offending happening. I am determined to stick it out and continue this experience. I am determined to continue to live my life as I want to live it, as I am meant to live it. Whatever that means. I am determined to live for me. Not you, not anyone. I am determined to love myself first unconditionally. I am determined to feel my feelings through and through. The good and the bad. I am determined to let go of fear. Fear of what others think, say, or do. I am determined to change the world big or small, but first I know I have to change myself. I am determined, couragous and beautiful inside and out. I will love my soul, my passion, my drive, my intention, my honesty, my brilliance, my sometimes not so bright thoughts, my words, my actions, my creator, my being, my body; stomach, thighs, arms and all, my face, my smile, my laugh, and most of all my heart.
It is my ego that has been shattered and it is my ego that drives this pain. Ego can and will be the most destructive defect towards myself in recovery and in life. The ego is simply a device that filters our individual picture of interconnected awareness to manifest the version that we experience ourselves. When I seperate myself from others that is my ego working negatively but I can train my ego to understand that its seperateness is a mirage. I am one with the universe.
I will love the day I get to tell my kids all about living in Thailand. Riding motorbikes in the pouring rain, Seeing endless waterfalls, rafting rivers, meeting monks, visiting temples, making a new best friend, working in a beautiful place, getting lost for hours, eating amazing food, learning new languages, sitting with myself, the hardtimes, the goodtimes.
I don't know where I am going but I know that I am living because I feel today.
Even though I sometimes have more bad moments than good, it has never lasted a full day. I have learned to pull through. I have learned that nothing, and nobody is going to save me except for me.
I am woman with passion. I am a woman with strength. I can find the good in everything (even though its hard to see in this writing).
I practice gratitude daily, life is just different today.
Its not bad, just different, different means uncomfortable.
It's not like exploring my hometown, or taking a road trip. Its a completely different life, and has taken me to my knees more than once.
It's questioned my direction in life, it has brought a lot of tears, and a lot of pain to the surface. Sometimes I wonder if I would have a different experience if I was not in recovery. Maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself because I wouldn't have the solutions that I have today. Maybe I wouldn't have gained so much weight because I would have been drinking more, maybe I would have met more people, been more social. Who knows, but I know I probably would not have had the courage to do this. I would not have believed in myself and the universe enough to trust that I could travel alone to a foreign country and have the courage to stay and live.
I cannot change the way the world sees me but I can change the way I see the world.
Blissfully Yours,
Alicia
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