Monday, November 30, 2015
Blissful traveler: Discovering the Secret and Stunning Tonsai Beach
Blissful traveler: Discovering the Secret and Stunning Tonsai Beach: Tonsai Beach - Rock Climbing, Chilling, Pure Bliss♡ . Tonsai Beach . Last week I spent my days swimming in the salty Andaman Sea...
Discovering the Secret and Stunning Tonsai Beach
Tonsai Beach - Rock Climbing, Chilling, Pure Bliss♡
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| Tonsai Beach |
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Last week I spent my days swimming in the salty Andaman Sea. I relaxed on the beaches of Tonsai, Railay, Phra Nang, Koh Hong, Koh Phi Phi, and Mosquito Island.
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On the bus to Ao Nang, I met a guy from Portugal who became a good friend over the next few days, as well as a couple from Spain. Before reaching Railay we stopped at Tonsai beach. A woman suggested we check out Tonsai as it was more suited for backpackers than Railay. Pulling to shore I could tell the vibe was chill, laid back and exactly what I was looking for. We hopped off and headed into the tiny little town of Tonsai, about a 5 minute walk from the beach. We got our rooms at Paasook Resort for 200baht a night. We found a room with two twin beds, mosquito nets, a fan, one plug for electricity and a decent bathroom for 200baht. That's 100baht each (3 USD)! It was a great deal, clean sheets, clean bathroom, which is all I require when I am at the ocean. Electricity and wifi are only on from about 6pm to 6am through most of the beach so one plug in was not a big deal. We dropped our stuff and headed to the beach, admiring the rock climbers along the way. Little had I realized how prestige of an area this was for rock climbers of all skill levels. I met a few people from Seattle on the smallest stretch of beach which was pretty neat. We swam, and took the short walk over to Railay Beach. The four of us had decided we wanted to do an island tour. You can access almost all the islands in the Krabi Province with day trips on longtail boats. The more people the cheaper the price. We met 3 other girls from Spain to join us and haggled our way to paying around 500Baht a person- the destination: Koh Hong!
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| The tip of the Longtail, you get used to this view |
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Railay Beach: Small, beautiful, excellent for families and those who dig a bit more comfort than the hippy sister of Tonsai. The walking street was small, there is a west and an east Railay. I believe the west was the cheaper side, this was the side we wandered on for a bit. Excellent for sunset, we enjoyed an overpriced dinner while watching the sun fall. Later in the week I headed to the east side for rock climbing with our guide, but that was about all the exploring I did on the east side. |
| Sunset from Railay beach |
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| Finding Balance in Tonsai |
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On the first night we spent the evening chatting and laughing at the Chill Out Bar, my friends from Spain barely spoke/understood English. (I am refraining from using names to be respectful) The girl could speak, and the guy could understand, so between the 3 of us it was a hell of a conversation. I had so much fun with them, learning Spanish, teaching English and figuring out how to explain things so they could understand. At one point they asked why I don't drink. By this time I am incredibly used to that question. Not everyone that asks is rather interested in my life story so I try to be brief. But trying to explain "recovery" "clean" "abstinent" was quiet funny. Eventually they began to understand, I shared that I was an addict and today I choose not use any substances. It took about an hour or so of questions and answers for them to really understand. It was so empowering to share my experience but demonstrate a person who is still living life not hiding in fear. I eventually asked about them, jobs, life etc. They both kind of looked at each other, and then at me. The response: "were cops" followed. HAHA! I laughed and laughed. What a coincidence?! I won't go into to much detail, but lets just say their roles in the field hit very close to home. I was so amused. So excited. Here we were, 3 people from different sides of the world. Completely different backgrounds, opposite ends of the stick, hanging out having a wonderful time. The girl described to me the words; positive, good, nice, happy- and asked what word that would be in English. She said in Spanish it would be simpatico. I assured her it would just be all of those words. She was referring to me, my heart smiled. She taught me "Hoy ha sido perfecto!" and "La luna esta sonriendo!" Translating to "The day has been perfect!" and "The moon is smiling." The guy insisted on teaching me how to Flaminco after the night carried on. Quiet entertaining. Just the few days I spent with this couple, as well as my friend from Portugal has made a huge impact in my life. I will never forget that couple. When I make my way to Spain they are first on the list to visit!
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| The gorgeous Koh Hong Beach |
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Before the tide rolls in the Lagoon
Are you there Captain Jack Sparrow? Koh Hong was gorgeous, but the beach quickly fills with tourists, if you don't mind then its a great place to lay and relax. Later in the day we had our boat driver take us to Phra Nang Beach which is about a 10 minute boat ride from Tonsai.  
Look at that water! While swimming under the stunning cliffs
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| The best guide a girl could ask for! |
That evening my friend and I had been talking about rock climbing, and I knew that if we didn't book it together I would back out of it. So we asked around to other climbers, an aussie guy suggested we go through Shadow Climbing shop located on the main strip near Chill Out Bar. This was an excellent decision and a great price, 800baht for all gear and a 4 hour climb with a guide. There is another place down the way that advertises much more, they have free climbing/cliff jumping. But I loved the experience I had with Shadow. Our guides name was Yao and we quickly became friends as my life was in his hands for the next 4 hours. He took us to the beginner rock in Railay and there began 4 hours I will never forget. I watched as others gave it their all using muscle and mind to get higher and higher. Finding balance on tiny little edges for the tips of your fingers and your toes. My palms are sweaty just typing this as I reflect on the climb. As I ascended I tried to have no fear.
- At the first stuck point, I looked back to receive directions, and began to cry... I was high (not really that high, but to me I was high) and I was also actually rock climbing. Hell yeah! Yao and my friend told me to relax a minute, trust the rope and allow myself to just hang. I could type an essay for the feelings I felt in that first climb. I was scared, I hate heights, I love feeling accomplished, I love facing fears, this is stupid, who does this? I am literally balancing on the edge, I hope my butt looks good, and so on and so forth. I reached the first ring and tapped it, sweating to death, my arms were sore, and I was shaking so bad I could barely manage to snap a photo from the top. 3 more hours of this?! Haha it was great. I climbed, I got pissed, I got frustrated, I overcame, I continued to climb. I think we reached between 15 and 20 meters at the highest. I touched 2 out of the 4 rings. I became addicted quickly.
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| The view from the top of the rock. |
I learned that like life, sometimes you have to take a different path.
Sometimes you have to set the goal so high its at the tip of your fingers yet you just can't grasp it. In those times we push ourselves harder, we strive to get better. Balance is the key to life, and climbing a giant rock. Your standing on your toes, balancing your entire body on a ledge that's smaller than my big toe. Using fingertips to inch just a bit higher. Patience, drive, balance, trust, letting go of how I think I am supposed to do it and listening to those who have done it. Living on the edge where one wrong move can lead to dangling 15 meters high on a rope. But the view from the top, the feeling of accomplishment, the cheers from the bottom fill you with the craving for more. I got high on a rock and I still have my clean date ;-) (sorry mom). It was an incredible experience that has me coming back for more. Our guide, my friend, and myself were all proud of me for pushing through the fears and difficulties. My friend even said, "you cried, and then climbed up anyways"!! It felt so good to have someone I barely knew be so proud of me, as well as being proud of myself. I am determined to prove to myself that there is not anything I cannot do.
There are moments, places, sometimes people that you run into and remind you of the magic of traveling.
Blissfully Yours,
Alicia
P.S Once I recieve photos from the climb I will post them to my blog. Also Part 2: Koh Phi Phi will be on its way shortly
Friday, November 13, 2015
Unfolding the tenfold
It's 3:33 on Friday the 13th here in Chiang Mai, Thailand. 22 days ago I wrote about struggling with well, myself. I am late to post my experience after writing that blog. It was lengthy and a bit negative for sure. But soon after I wrote that blog, and got those nasty feelings out in the open I experienced relief. Almost immediately. Its funny because I often know that writing helps to ease pain, it helps me to look at whats really going on in my head. It simply is an outlet, and I know this yet I choose to sit with the feelings instead. Well the day I wrote that blog, I realized I was fighting nobody but myself.
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. The rainbow created by the reflection of light
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I have created these feelings and I can simply change them. I do not have to carry guilt or shame for who I am anymore. I do not have to hate myself because I am not who I think everyone wants me to be. Or I do not look how I think I should look. I mentioned to a coworker that day I was jealous of her appetite...(She had stated she is sometimes only hungry once a day). She responded "Dont be jealous-you have other things." What I took from that statement empowered me. She may not have realized it. Being jealous is a waste of time and energy.
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We as human all have fantastic different qualities-thats what makes us different and unique-yet connected and whole. Wanting what someone else has because you think its better than what you have is an altered perception. The fault line within us lies within our perception. What I see in you, may be completely different than what you see in you, and vis versa.
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How do we change our perception?
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Mindfulness. Being mindful of ourselves, allowing thoughts to come and go. By creating a space in our mind free from being held captive by what we think. Thoughts DO NOT always create our reality contrary to many popular articles reposted on facebook. But they do create how we choose to react, and they influence our beliefs. My perception that skinny is beautiful is false. Simply that. I know this, and many others know this as well. Many times throughout my day I hear this statement in my head. MANY. Initially, I fell pray and desired to be thin, I become obsessive about food, working out, my appearance. As this thought comes and goes, I would see skinny people and judge them based on their outter appearances. "Okay, shes skinny but she's not beautiful" I would think. Thus, another negative perception. Beauty is external. And how rude of me, I don't know this person and I just deemed her skinny and ugly. As this false perception of beauty swirled in my head causing me all sorts of negative thoughts and feelings about myself and others I realized something. My perception is a result of my beliefs.
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If I am over here traveling the world, flipping my world upside down, why am I carrying beliefs that cause me negative feelings?
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So my perception is an illusion-everything we see is matter made of all the very same substances-electrons-neurons-protons..atoms swirling around reflecting light to create the images we see. If you took away light, the world would connect as one. In darkness we would rise, connecting together. Belief systems, appearances and righteousness would no longer seperate the spiritual experience.
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...........Now let me get back to the relief I found in the writing
Another moment, with the same coworker I stated without thinking "I am not willing to torcher my body with extremely instense exerises I don't find joy in, inorder to obtain a certain body image." She immediatly responded with a smile stating "thank god, I am so glad to hear you say that!" I had not even realized I had come to that realization until that moment. She was genuinely proud of me, as I became proud of myself. And following that another coworker agreed and said I was beautiful inside and out. This was literally right after I wrote my last blog (if you read it you will understand).
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As simple as this moment sounds, it was growth for me. These two people have only known me for 2 months and already know my obsession with food and appearance. That was a wake up call for me.
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I had to stop and redefine what beauty is to me, I sit here knowing I can't change the worlds idea of beauty but I can change how I allow that "percieved beauty image" to affect me. What I realized is most often I dont define or judge a person based on their outer appearances, I have the ability to look beneth that immediately and have found beauty in every person I have encountered.
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In my eyes, everyone is beautiful, everyone struggles. Living in a society here that obsesses over white skin, teeny tiny waste lines, long straight dark hair, and perfect skin I find sadness it takes our appearances to encourage someone to get to know our insides. I don't have to operate this way, I don't have to believe that anymore.
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| Hanging out in a tree overlooking Mae Sae and Chiang Mai |
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I have continued doing yoga atleast 5 days a week, I have lengthened my meditation each morning from 3 minutes to 13 minutes. I practice love for myself regularly, and I defeat my perception that my outside appearance is what makes me beautiful. I am healthy, I am fit, I can run, I can hike volcanoes, I can surf, I can swim, I can dance, I can cycle, I can breathe clearly, I am going to go rock climbing, I can jump out of planes, I can snowboard, I can sort of wake board, I can water ski, I can do real pushups, I can lift, I can contour my body into some odd yoga positions. There is not anything I can't do. And I am perfectly perfect just the size I am, and so are you regardless of what you THINK.
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I have reached out and obtained a homegroup and a service position here in Chiang Mai. I am making more friends here as well. Life is good here today, I am happy, I get excited to wake up. I still struggle with motivation to venture out sometimes. I am okay with that. I have plenty of time to explore. OH and I am headed to Tonsai Beach, Krabi, Koh Phi Phi, and Koh Lanta next week! I will be back in Chiang Mai just in time for the Lantern festival.
Blissfuly Yours,
Alicia Rose
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| Beautiful Sunrise from Doi Suthep |
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| It feels good to be making friends. <3 |
Friday, October 23, 2015
Sometimes where you go, there you are tenfold.
I find it incredibly hard to sit down and write lately.
While I was traveling I loved to write. I always had exciting experiences to document, hurtles I overcame, feelings to share about. It was easy. Now I feel like I am loosing it. The days sometimes feel like they came and went and just passed me by. I often wonder if I am wasting my time here. I have begun a routine of Yoga every morning I wake up, after I feed my addiction to facebook. Something I need to work on as well. Anyways, I have a lot of freetime around my work schedule and I contemplate if I am utilizing it to the best of my ability. I have thoughts run through my head that maybe I am dealing with some form of depression. But then I think I am just over reacting and self diagnosing which I am often good at. Instead of writing, I just lay in my bed in my air conditioned room and contemplate my life. When I lay my head down at night I think of all these things I want to write about but as soon as I have the time to write my head is blank. Thank god writing is not making me a living or I would go broke.
In regards to the question of depression, maybe if I spill my guts out on here it will help me sort through my thoughts.
(I just posted a blog I wrote in the beginning of October, I am not editing this blog much so forgive me if they repeat or contradict themselves, this is the growth, the setbacks, the feelings raw and real)
I am finding it hard to get motivated to do much of anything, even stuff that requires no real physical effort. The other day, it was my first day off in over a week and I just laid in bed, all day. I beat myself up for wasting a day away, wasting the precious sun that shines so hot here every damn day. Wasting the hours of exploring I could have done, yet I had no desire nor motivation to move out of bed. I just laid. I tried over and over to give myself permision to have a lazy day. I didn't even eat until 5pm, which is like a miracle for me. All the while I laid there thinking I was lazy. Fat, boring, depressed, sad, lonely, but hey, I am in Thailand so its okay right?!
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I am working on changing my negative thoughts to positive ones. I know it works, and it changes perspective, it changes experiences.
But here's my vommit: I live in a place that is incredibly hot almost all the time. Trying to venture out on my own is a day trip in itself (although I am beginning to get the hang of the layout here). Riding a motorbike is probably the most stressful parts of my days. I know very few people here, recovery is almost 90% male expats. I wake up everyday obsessed with looking at facebook to see what is going on in all of my friends and families lives. I sometimes get resentful because I wish more people would connect with me via messenger or whatsapp thinking maybe I wouldnt be so obsessed with checking facebook.
Sometimes when people tell me I am living the dream I want to share with them the reality of what the "dream" is. And who's to say this is the dream? What if my dream changes, constantly? And if you think I am living the dream, come and join me! Its a hot sweaty mess of a dream, but yes I can agree I will never regret having done this with my life. Having turned my entire life upside down to see the world, to explore the cultures, to open my eyes to things I would have never learned had I not chosen this.
Yet I still feel alone, sad, even dare I say it bored sometimes.
No matter where I go there I am is an understatement. Sometimes where you go, there you are tenfold.
All the defects and acting out to almost destroy a person.
Maybe thats it. Maybe this is the destruction of self to be who I really am supposed to be. To peal back all my layers and face each one head on. Im sure I sound negative. I am sure I sound ungrateful and depressing. It is not my intent. I love my job, and the new friends I am making. I intend to jump into service here with NA and commit to a homegroup. I believe it will help. Yoga has helped. For an hour an a half each day I am out of my head listening to the instructor guide me into positions that once were easy for me. Id like to become a yoga teacher someday, somewhere in the world. I have dreams, and aspirations still. They constantly change. I never want to stop traveling, but I long for the comfort of my friends and family.
How big is my god? I once heard someone say.
I will love the day I get to tell my kids all about living in Thailand. Riding motorbikes in the pouring rain, Seeing endless waterfalls, rafting rivers, meeting monks, visiting temples, making a new best friend, working in a beautiful place, getting lost for hours, eating amazing food, learning new languages, sitting with myself, the hardtimes, the goodtimes.
I don't know where I am going but I know that I am living because I feel today.
Even though I sometimes have more bad moments than good, it has never lasted a full day. I have learned to pull through. I have learned that nothing, and nobody is going to save me except for me.
While I was traveling I loved to write. I always had exciting experiences to document, hurtles I overcame, feelings to share about. It was easy. Now I feel like I am loosing it. The days sometimes feel like they came and went and just passed me by. I often wonder if I am wasting my time here. I have begun a routine of Yoga every morning I wake up, after I feed my addiction to facebook. Something I need to work on as well. Anyways, I have a lot of freetime around my work schedule and I contemplate if I am utilizing it to the best of my ability. I have thoughts run through my head that maybe I am dealing with some form of depression. But then I think I am just over reacting and self diagnosing which I am often good at. Instead of writing, I just lay in my bed in my air conditioned room and contemplate my life. When I lay my head down at night I think of all these things I want to write about but as soon as I have the time to write my head is blank. Thank god writing is not making me a living or I would go broke.
In regards to the question of depression, maybe if I spill my guts out on here it will help me sort through my thoughts.
(I just posted a blog I wrote in the beginning of October, I am not editing this blog much so forgive me if they repeat or contradict themselves, this is the growth, the setbacks, the feelings raw and real)
I am finding it hard to get motivated to do much of anything, even stuff that requires no real physical effort. The other day, it was my first day off in over a week and I just laid in bed, all day. I beat myself up for wasting a day away, wasting the precious sun that shines so hot here every damn day. Wasting the hours of exploring I could have done, yet I had no desire nor motivation to move out of bed. I just laid. I tried over and over to give myself permision to have a lazy day. I didn't even eat until 5pm, which is like a miracle for me. All the while I laid there thinking I was lazy. Fat, boring, depressed, sad, lonely, but hey, I am in Thailand so its okay right?!
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I don't even know the answer to that anymore.
I have learned is that growth is painful, and when the pain gets great enough I will put in the work to change. So how does one get to this place? How have I gone from feeling free and brave, to downright hateful towards myself?
I am working on changing my negative thoughts to positive ones. I know it works, and it changes perspective, it changes experiences.
But here's my vommit: I live in a place that is incredibly hot almost all the time. Trying to venture out on my own is a day trip in itself (although I am beginning to get the hang of the layout here). Riding a motorbike is probably the most stressful parts of my days. I know very few people here, recovery is almost 90% male expats. I wake up everyday obsessed with looking at facebook to see what is going on in all of my friends and families lives. I sometimes get resentful because I wish more people would connect with me via messenger or whatsapp thinking maybe I wouldnt be so obsessed with checking facebook.
I miss my routine at home. Yes I said it.
- I miss work, school, working out, service work, my sponsor, my family, feeling apart of. I miss laughing until my stomach hurt. I miss cooking my own food. I miss my bed. I miss the rain and the refreshing clean air. I miss driving. I miss having motivation to do things because I know where to go and what to do. I miss having direction. Stability. Yes I miss it all.
Sometimes when people tell me I am living the dream I want to share with them the reality of what the "dream" is. And who's to say this is the dream? What if my dream changes, constantly? And if you think I am living the dream, come and join me! Its a hot sweaty mess of a dream, but yes I can agree I will never regret having done this with my life. Having turned my entire life upside down to see the world, to explore the cultures, to open my eyes to things I would have never learned had I not chosen this.
Yet I still feel alone, sad, even dare I say it bored sometimes.
No matter where I go there I am is an understatement. Sometimes where you go, there you are tenfold.
All the defects and acting out to almost destroy a person.
Maybe thats it. Maybe this is the destruction of self to be who I really am supposed to be. To peal back all my layers and face each one head on. Im sure I sound negative. I am sure I sound ungrateful and depressing. It is not my intent. I love my job, and the new friends I am making. I intend to jump into service here with NA and commit to a homegroup. I believe it will help. Yoga has helped. For an hour an a half each day I am out of my head listening to the instructor guide me into positions that once were easy for me. Id like to become a yoga teacher someday, somewhere in the world. I have dreams, and aspirations still. They constantly change. I never want to stop traveling, but I long for the comfort of my friends and family.
How big is my god? I once heard someone say.
My god connects all of us together in some way.
Creator protects and guides me each day.
The universe conspired for me to be here today.
I accept the challenge to continue this journey regardless of feelings of loneliness and worry.
Self acceptance has been the hardest lesson on this journey.
It is more relevant in my life than it ever has been. Living without constant reassurance and approval from others has shown me how much I relied on it to change my feelings inside.
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I stared at myself in the mirror today while getting my haircut. It was the longest I have looked in a mirror in a long time. What I found amazing is how beautiful I thought I was. And that is not to sound consceded because believe me I have drenched myself with hate many times n the last 4 months. I have ripped myself apart for what I percieve in the mirror. I think the last time someone told me in person that I was beautiful was in Pai, Thailand at the very beginning of my trip. Thats really hard to swallow. My self confidence has sunk so low that I often dont even have the desire to reach out and let others get to know my insides because my outsides feel so ugly. Seeing myself today, and not crying, just smiling was a moment I will cherish and hold on to. When exploring the town with a friend of mine here, she often gets asked by locals to take a picture. They never ask me. Its fucking difficult not to compare or allow that to eat away any self acceptance. Its not even a big deal to most, but when it happens blatenely right in front of you and your already struggling with your appearance its like throwing oil on the fire.
Why do I feel the need to look a certain way in order to feel self acceptance? I dont think its all looks, I know its not. I know I struggle with myself because I struggle internally. When I eat I have little determination to be mindful, when I have free time I find it hard to get motivated to do ANYTHING, I have all this time to be working on myself and I sit in my head instead. I think of all the things I could or should or would be doing.
In turn, my self hatred is fed.
Time used to be my excuse. " I dont have time" or "If only I had time to..."
Time is an illusion. There is no begining or end. It is a constant. There is always time.
Who's to say who makes use of their time. Only we ourselves can determine that.
I am determined to love myself. I am determined to grow, change, and transform into the beautiful human I was created to be. I am determined to let go of size, and appearance. I am determined to not be offended when there was no intentional offending happening. I am determined to stick it out and continue this experience. I am determined to continue to live my life as I want to live it, as I am meant to live it. Whatever that means. I am determined to live for me. Not you, not anyone. I am determined to love myself first unconditionally. I am determined to feel my feelings through and through. The good and the bad. I am determined to let go of fear. Fear of what others think, say, or do. I am determined to change the world big or small, but first I know I have to change myself. I am determined, couragous and beautiful inside and out. I will love my soul, my passion, my drive, my intention, my honesty, my brilliance, my sometimes not so bright thoughts, my words, my actions, my creator, my being, my body; stomach, thighs, arms and all, my face, my smile, my laugh, and most of all my heart.
It is my ego that has been shattered and it is my ego that drives this pain. Ego can and will be the most destructive defect towards myself in recovery and in life. The ego is simply a device that filters our individual picture of interconnected awareness to manifest the version that we experience ourselves. When I seperate myself from others that is my ego working negatively but I can train my ego to understand that its seperateness is a mirage. I am one with the universe.
I will love the day I get to tell my kids all about living in Thailand. Riding motorbikes in the pouring rain, Seeing endless waterfalls, rafting rivers, meeting monks, visiting temples, making a new best friend, working in a beautiful place, getting lost for hours, eating amazing food, learning new languages, sitting with myself, the hardtimes, the goodtimes.
I don't know where I am going but I know that I am living because I feel today.
Even though I sometimes have more bad moments than good, it has never lasted a full day. I have learned to pull through. I have learned that nothing, and nobody is going to save me except for me.
I am woman with passion. I am a woman with strength. I can find the good in everything (even though its hard to see in this writing).
I practice gratitude daily, life is just different today.
Its not bad, just different, different means uncomfortable.
It's not like exploring my hometown, or taking a road trip. Its a completely different life, and has taken me to my knees more than once.
It's questioned my direction in life, it has brought a lot of tears, and a lot of pain to the surface. Sometimes I wonder if I would have a different experience if I was not in recovery. Maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself because I wouldn't have the solutions that I have today. Maybe I wouldn't have gained so much weight because I would have been drinking more, maybe I would have met more people, been more social. Who knows, but I know I probably would not have had the courage to do this. I would not have believed in myself and the universe enough to trust that I could travel alone to a foreign country and have the courage to stay and live.
I cannot change the way the world sees me but I can change the way I see the world.
Blissfully Yours,
Alicia
New Opportunities arise
What do you do when you have the opportunity to fullfill a dream? To do something different, take a chance without knowing the outcome? When you are given a shot at living life completely different than you ever expected? Take the damn chance. Jump with everything you have, and remind yourself not to look back, or ahead.
I was offered to come and help at a treatment center in Thailand. The same one I had went and checked out while in Chiang Mai. I can tell you that beginning this journey I had no plans or expectations of where it would take me. I knew that the word plan was not in the plan.
I have learned to take opportunities when they are presented. Regardless of negative thoughts, worries, stress or concern. There is a reason for this opportunity and I must take it.
So I gladly accepted and found myself on a plane from Koh Samui heading to Chiang Mai. It occured to me this was the first time since I could remember I didn't question, or worry. I just did it. I knew it was the right choice. I made a decision without looking back. I can tell you today after 1 month, I am so grateful for that decision. Not only is it an opportunity to work with other recovering addicts, to share my passion for recovery and gain insight and knowledge in this field, but I get to LIVE in a foreign country. I get to spend time exploring, meet other travelers, and be apart of a brand new community and culture.
...........Of course, then fear creeped in. "What if I fail?" "I hardly know any Thai..." "What if I go broke?" "What about traveling to other countries?" "What if I want to go home?".........
All the what if's and more that push us away from finding ourselves. The fear that drives us to stay conformed, and make the easy choice. The fear that deterioates the flowing love we are surrounded by.
What if?
I was offered to come and help at a treatment center in Thailand. The same one I had went and checked out while in Chiang Mai. I can tell you that beginning this journey I had no plans or expectations of where it would take me. I knew that the word plan was not in the plan.
I have learned to take opportunities when they are presented. Regardless of negative thoughts, worries, stress or concern. There is a reason for this opportunity and I must take it.
So I gladly accepted and found myself on a plane from Koh Samui heading to Chiang Mai. It occured to me this was the first time since I could remember I didn't question, or worry. I just did it. I knew it was the right choice. I made a decision without looking back. I can tell you today after 1 month, I am so grateful for that decision. Not only is it an opportunity to work with other recovering addicts, to share my passion for recovery and gain insight and knowledge in this field, but I get to LIVE in a foreign country. I get to spend time exploring, meet other travelers, and be apart of a brand new community and culture.
...........Of course, then fear creeped in. "What if I fail?" "I hardly know any Thai..." "What if I go broke?" "What about traveling to other countries?" "What if I want to go home?".........
All the what if's and more that push us away from finding ourselves. The fear that drives us to stay conformed, and make the easy choice. The fear that deterioates the flowing love we are surrounded by.
What if?
But I know creator brought me here, and opened up this door for me. I know I have a God that loves, cares, and protects me. All I have to do is open my heart to all possibilities. I had to ignore my self-limiting beliefs, ignore my head, and follow my heart.
Here I am, a month into this new opportunity and absolutely loving the job. Everyone asks me, "How long will you stay?" or "when will you come home?" and I love the feeling of smiling, and responding "I dont really know." It is such a freeing moment everytime I respond. This coming from someone who has planned everything in her life over the last 3 and a half years. Every day, every weekend, everything had a plan. And IF it did not go according to plan, well my world was shaken to pieces. Haha, and here I am living my wildest dreams, (since I have achieved this the dreams have gotten much bigger) but nevertheless. I have the opportunity to live and explore an entirely different culture. With no deadlines, due dates, time frames, or schedules. I dont have to do anything, and I get to do everything. I remember dreaming my blog would take off, and someone would pay me to travel. This was before I realized how much time and effort travel blogging actually takes in order to make any type of money from it. I don't have to worry about that now. In the last month I have begun to make new friends, I am extremely happy a girl from The Netherlands is interning and staying in the same hotel as me. We are the same age and get along great. She really has helped this transition. We spend our days off together, exploring, eating, getting massages..oh and shopping! It has really helped the lonliness that sparks from time to time. Speaking of shopping; as part of helping out at the treatment center I of course had to update my wardrobe from Tie dye dresses and bathing suits to a more proffesional look. So shopping indeed was in order. Unfortunately reality hit when I took off that tie dye dress and began putting on "normal" clothes. I had gained weight. I knew inside that endless food carts, thai and indonesian food, fruit smoothies for days, and binging on mango and sticky rice accompanied with a lack of proper physical activity regularly each week had impacted my waistline. And now it was time to face it. All the hard work I have put in on my body was gone, can we say depression? Insecure? Lack of self worth? Even after 2 months of amazing traveling around beautiful countries with beautiful people. Life changing experiences, personal and spiritual growth. I was back in a fitting room hating myself. AGAIN. With the compulsion to just eat because it feels better. This sounded all to familiar to me and I realize that I continue to use food as a substance to fill my spiritual void. Was I relapsing in a different way? Partially yes. Although the only person affected once again, was myself. Now is the time to apply what I know, put the work in and find the little girl inside I love and let her know that eating is not a solution. That love has no boundaries and I will love her until she loves herself regardless of her size. That is not a pass for me to keep the weight on or continue gaining. But to recognize who am I trying to impress, and why is it so hard to love myself. Over the past month, I began building a similar life to the one I had back home, obsessing over food, talking about food, getting a gym membership and forcing myself to go. Wait a minute....again all to familiar. This is exactly what I left (except I loved my gym and miss it very much and enjoyed it very much!) But I began building a schedule, limiting my meetings here, failing to pray, to take accountability for what I put into my body.
Yesterday, I had this moment of clarity.
This moment of realizing, I have all the time in the world and now is the time.
This moment.
I thought to myself, this is the perfect opportunity for more prayer, more meditation, more yoga, more writing, more reading, more recovery.
Recovery from self, because I am my own problem.
Not the food, or any other substance I choose.
NOW is the time to open my heart to truely begin to love myself for me, creating who I want to be.
I can take the time to write, to dive into spirituality on an entire new level. To practice the steps, and continue working on them. To be conscious of what I choose to put in my body and put effort into a practice that makes my body feel good. I am worthy of a healthy life. I am worthy of balance. Even if balance is incredibly difficult for me to achieve I have the time to be mindful and work towards balance. I have the time to practice self love today. I woke up this morning, called a few of my loved ones and my parents. I sipped tea instead of coffee and I did yoga. All on my own (with a video of course) but without motivation by anyone or anything else. Instead of heading to the gym and ripping it up on the bike and lifting weights on my own, I gracefully and lovingly watched myself and my body in the mirror while doing all sorts of poses that my body is not used to. But I felt so much love for myself and so proud of myself. (I am the type of person that likes classes, needs motivation from others to get moving). I can change that today, I can motivate myself. Instead of waking up slamming some coffee and flying on my bike to the gym and then rushing to the sauna and shower and rushing to work, I can take my time in the morning and practice an exercise that teaches me about my body and how to love my body and push my body into akward positions it probably wouldnt ever go in. It took me a month to get to this point, and sharing this experience will only motivate me to continue working on myself. If I came home tomorrow I would feel as if I had unfinished business, I would feel as if I took this whole thing for granted and forgot to stay in the moment. I would feel as if I left my journey to return out of fear and uncomfortability. Every day I wake up breathing, I listen to the monks chant at the temple across the way. I smile and think "Still in Thailand?"
Today I began to be truely grateful for this type of life, its different, its uncomfortable, but its my life today and I am excited to live it each day.
 |
| Bua Tong Waterfall "Sticky waterfalls" |
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| A moment of silence, a moment of gratitude |
A local woman in Chiang Dao enjoying her Bamboo stogi
Sometimes it rains, and you learn to dance with patience
Blissfully yours,
Alicia Rose
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Open Your Heart
Upon leaving Indonesia I experienced a loss. A piece of my heart was left there for me to return and find. I easily and quickly accepted that loss and will gladly return to the beautiful country with much more time to spare.
I flew back to Thailand on the 20th of August just in time to attend a Narcotics Anonymous convention in Koh Samui. The first one ever to take place in Koh Samui. It's theme was "Open your heart" or "Nam Jai" in thai. Coincidence I have been running into that statement since I started this journey. Continuing to question and wonder "how do I open my heart?" "Why is my heart closed?" Thinking it's open, how much more does it need to open.
Reflecting on why my heart may not be open and what this sign truly means. I thought a lot about pain I have experienced in recovery, self-inflicted pain, pain from allowing others into my life. I found it such a beautiful and serendipitous moment discovering the theme of the convention. I was also so anxious to get to the meeting that Friday evening and be surrounded by recovering addicts like myself. I had missed NA, missed being around other recovering addicts for 3 weeks while in Indonesia. I was ready for a weekend full of love, recovery, and connection. And that's exactly what I received.
I met so many beautiful souls, people from all over the world with numerous amounts of clean time. New comers, even native Thais in recovery (which is not common in the recovery community). Though recovery is growing amongst locals in Thailand. I had the opportunity to hear a Thai person share their story in Thai with an English translator, and was full of emotion and love for a fellow recovering addict. Recovering in Thailand is not something thetas talked often about, and is largely frowned upon. "Loosing face" is avoided at all costs here. Admitting you are an addict is a sign of weakness, a sign one has lost control of their life. And yes we struggle with that in America, but it is different here, hence why every meeting I have been to has 99% Westerner's in it. As I learn more about this topic I will share my knowledge.
The weekend was filled with speakers, fellowshipping, a beautiful dinner and Thai dancing. It was the smallest convention I have ever been too. I think 12 countries were represented, about 130 registrations, and around 500+ years of clean time. I was also reconnected with fellow travelers from Portland. All amongst the beautiful beach of Koh Samui. The convention was exactly what I needed at exactly the right moment of my travels.
I made new friends that I will forever be connected with. Talking, laughing and staying up late into the night watching fire dancers, swimming with bioluminesence, smoking hookah, and building life long relationships. I had hope refilled within me for some personal struggles I have developed along the way, hearing others experiences, knowing there is always a solution. Sharing my experience, strength, and hope and inspiring others with my story. It was all so enlightening for my travels. It was so different from any convention I had ever been to. It was so important to me to attend this weekend because recovery is the reason I am traveling. It is the reason I am here, alive and present today.
Narcotics Anonymous has taught me how to live my life, has shown me how to get my life back, and how to continue to live my life clean from all substances no matter what happens. It has opened my heart to the solution, rather than continuing to live in the problem like I did for so many years. I have met almost all of my friends in recovery, (I still managed to save a few friendships that I cherish dearly from before recovery).
I have built relationships with these new friends, people I would have never met, nor wanted to be friends with if it weren't for recovery ;).
Friends that understand and accept me for who I am, exactly where I am at.
Friends that taught me how to love myself again, and how to love others again.
NA has allowed be to build a relationship with my sponsor that I could never repay it for. A relationship that has saved my ass, my life, and my face.
She listens when I am angry, upset, depressed, crying, happy, joyful, regardless of judgment.
I found my laugh again in recovery, a laugh loud and obnoxious that brings tears down my legs. A laugh I never thought I would feel again.
Narcotics Anonymous has also given me the tools to be apart of my family again. Rebuilding relationships with my parents and my siblings that at one time in my addiction I had lost all hope for.
I never imagined a day that they would accept me back into their lives. Loving me, trusting me, actually wanting me around.
The tools have shown me how to be apart of the family, participate, be present, show up, and respect them. Accept my actions and acknowledge them. I can honestly say it even took time in recovery to want this back, to actually feel apart of and not apart from, I still battle with some of those feelings. But I recognize that my head battles it, my heart is desperate for the love of my family. It has taken time, but I have begun to rebuild some of the most important relationships in my life because of the 12 steps. My family has become my world, I thoroughly enjoy being apart of it, I enjoy spending time with them and my heart aches when I cannot.
I used to run from my family, find every excuse for why I did not belong with them, why I was different. All the while they were just trying to love me. Today I get to love them back. Today I get to run to them. Today I listen, (most of the time) and they listen to. Today we work together.
My family does their best to try to understand me, but I have learned not to expect them to understand me. We have love between us and that's all we need.
That's what recovery has taught me. It has shown me how to love myself, allow others to love me, and love unconditionally. Having the connections I have made in
Narcotics Anonymous has helped me rebuild my connections with lost friends, family, and most of all myself.
I am not cured, but I can say I am recovering. I surrender daily to my disease, I practice acceptance, I pray, I have faith, I *try* my damnest to have an open mind, practice honesty, integrity, willingness. I could go on with the spiritual principals that guide my life today. I work constantly on Humility..that's a tough one for me. I often think of humility as accepting myself as a part of and not a special being that is apart from.
I have my own dance to the worlds beat, as we all do, as we are all one. The rhythm of life plays in every ones soul. Listening is key, and following the beat to lead us on our journeys. I have a purpose today, as do you. I continue to search for that purpose. Follow the path my energy craves.
But there was a time when my energies were dismantled. A cloud that covered my life, my soul.
Today there is clarity, because I found recovery I found life again.
Blissfully Yours,
Alicia Rose
I flew back to Thailand on the 20th of August just in time to attend a Narcotics Anonymous convention in Koh Samui. The first one ever to take place in Koh Samui. It's theme was "Open your heart" or "Nam Jai" in thai. Coincidence I have been running into that statement since I started this journey. Continuing to question and wonder "how do I open my heart?" "Why is my heart closed?" Thinking it's open, how much more does it need to open.
Reflecting on why my heart may not be open and what this sign truly means. I thought a lot about pain I have experienced in recovery, self-inflicted pain, pain from allowing others into my life. I found it such a beautiful and serendipitous moment discovering the theme of the convention. I was also so anxious to get to the meeting that Friday evening and be surrounded by recovering addicts like myself. I had missed NA, missed being around other recovering addicts for 3 weeks while in Indonesia. I was ready for a weekend full of love, recovery, and connection. And that's exactly what I received.
I met so many beautiful souls, people from all over the world with numerous amounts of clean time. New comers, even native Thais in recovery (which is not common in the recovery community). Though recovery is growing amongst locals in Thailand. I had the opportunity to hear a Thai person share their story in Thai with an English translator, and was full of emotion and love for a fellow recovering addict. Recovering in Thailand is not something thetas talked often about, and is largely frowned upon. "Loosing face" is avoided at all costs here. Admitting you are an addict is a sign of weakness, a sign one has lost control of their life. And yes we struggle with that in America, but it is different here, hence why every meeting I have been to has 99% Westerner's in it. As I learn more about this topic I will share my knowledge.
The weekend was filled with speakers, fellowshipping, a beautiful dinner and Thai dancing. It was the smallest convention I have ever been too. I think 12 countries were represented, about 130 registrations, and around 500+ years of clean time. I was also reconnected with fellow travelers from Portland. All amongst the beautiful beach of Koh Samui. The convention was exactly what I needed at exactly the right moment of my travels.
I made new friends that I will forever be connected with. Talking, laughing and staying up late into the night watching fire dancers, swimming with bioluminesence, smoking hookah, and building life long relationships. I had hope refilled within me for some personal struggles I have developed along the way, hearing others experiences, knowing there is always a solution. Sharing my experience, strength, and hope and inspiring others with my story. It was all so enlightening for my travels. It was so different from any convention I had ever been to. It was so important to me to attend this weekend because recovery is the reason I am traveling. It is the reason I am here, alive and present today.
Narcotics Anonymous has taught me how to live my life, has shown me how to get my life back, and how to continue to live my life clean from all substances no matter what happens. It has opened my heart to the solution, rather than continuing to live in the problem like I did for so many years. I have met almost all of my friends in recovery, (I still managed to save a few friendships that I cherish dearly from before recovery).
I have built relationships with these new friends, people I would have never met, nor wanted to be friends with if it weren't for recovery ;).
Friends that understand and accept me for who I am, exactly where I am at.
Friends that taught me how to love myself again, and how to love others again.
NA has allowed be to build a relationship with my sponsor that I could never repay it for. A relationship that has saved my ass, my life, and my face.
She listens when I am angry, upset, depressed, crying, happy, joyful, regardless of judgment.
I found my laugh again in recovery, a laugh loud and obnoxious that brings tears down my legs. A laugh I never thought I would feel again.
Narcotics Anonymous has also given me the tools to be apart of my family again. Rebuilding relationships with my parents and my siblings that at one time in my addiction I had lost all hope for.
I never imagined a day that they would accept me back into their lives. Loving me, trusting me, actually wanting me around.
The tools have shown me how to be apart of the family, participate, be present, show up, and respect them. Accept my actions and acknowledge them. I can honestly say it even took time in recovery to want this back, to actually feel apart of and not apart from, I still battle with some of those feelings. But I recognize that my head battles it, my heart is desperate for the love of my family. It has taken time, but I have begun to rebuild some of the most important relationships in my life because of the 12 steps. My family has become my world, I thoroughly enjoy being apart of it, I enjoy spending time with them and my heart aches when I cannot.
I used to run from my family, find every excuse for why I did not belong with them, why I was different. All the while they were just trying to love me. Today I get to love them back. Today I get to run to them. Today I listen, (most of the time) and they listen to. Today we work together.
My family does their best to try to understand me, but I have learned not to expect them to understand me. We have love between us and that's all we need.
That's what recovery has taught me. It has shown me how to love myself, allow others to love me, and love unconditionally. Having the connections I have made in
Narcotics Anonymous has helped me rebuild my connections with lost friends, family, and most of all myself.
I am not cured, but I can say I am recovering. I surrender daily to my disease, I practice acceptance, I pray, I have faith, I *try* my damnest to have an open mind, practice honesty, integrity, willingness. I could go on with the spiritual principals that guide my life today. I work constantly on Humility..that's a tough one for me. I often think of humility as accepting myself as a part of and not a special being that is apart from.
I have my own dance to the worlds beat, as we all do, as we are all one. The rhythm of life plays in every ones soul. Listening is key, and following the beat to lead us on our journeys. I have a purpose today, as do you. I continue to search for that purpose. Follow the path my energy craves.
But there was a time when my energies were dismantled. A cloud that covered my life, my soul.
Today there is clarity, because I found recovery I found life again.
Blissfully Yours,
Alicia Rose
Thursday, October 1, 2015
The physics of the quest
Ubud, Bali.....Yogi central, Spiritual Gurus, clean, organic, delicious food. Fresh vegetable and fruit juices, superfood stores, beautiful clothing and jewelery, meditation retreats, spirit dances, soul cleanses, raw foods, Balinese dances, shopping for days, monkeys, rice fields. I could go on. I overate, over shopped, skipped out on meditation and yoga, paid way to much to a "spiritual doctor" or whatever she is. I found myself in a fit of homesick and active addiction through food and shopping. Ubud, I loved it, but it messed with my spirit. Or I had these expectations and then failed to meet them for myself. If that makes sense. I was going to go and cleanse, do yoga, meditate, ya know the whole shabang. Except that was all too expensive so I ate and shopped- a lot. Just like I was home. It sickened me. Ubud has over 400 restaurants, a ton of which are raw vegan, and most are organic. If you know me and my behavior with raw foods, organic foods, and juicing, this was heaven for me! I couldn't get enough. Literally. I am still pretty disappointed in myself and my experience with Ubud. But here's what I learned. Food is food. I don't have to eat everything, everywhere. I got good deals on the yogi clothes I bought and I love them. I will return to Ubud with a plan of action and with the pure intention to experience all the spiritualness it has to offer. The only reason I did not do yoga was because my knee was messed up from surfing. Ubud is a beautiful town, full of tourists, healers, spiritual gurus, yogis, artists, singers, dancers, shamans, crystals, and so much more. You can walk the main town and all the side streets and just fall in love. The sunsets are gorgeous but hard to capture, the rice fields are endless and breathtaking.
My behavior in Ubud only really effects myself, but it did not display my true thoughts and feelings of the town. I just got into this compulsion I could not seem to get out of. This is part of recovery that continues to arise, not just obsession but compulsion. Being alone (physically) gives me leeway to behave in such compulsions, my integrity to myself can often be questioned. My obsession for food to comfort has grown as I have traveled and being here "allowed" me to be compulsive "because it was healthy" haha. Too much of anything is never a good thing. Even though my personal experience here in Ubud sounds intense, I will be back. Sometimes while traveling i ask myself "am I doing this right?" 'Is there a right way to do this?" Something I have begun to learn and accept is that there is no right way, and sometimes you just have to have regrets. It sparks inspiration to do things different, better, with more passion. There is so much more I wish I did, saw, and experienced. A wish is a dream my heart makes, and my heart knows I will come back for more. Learning to accept regrets, beginning to reflect and determine "how can I do better next time?" Is a lesson to embrace not fear. The phrase or question "will there be a next time?" Need not apply to those that set their intentions and follow their heart. One can make anything possible and doable with passion, motivation, and action. This much I have learned about dreams. Negative toned questions begin to fade, and all becomes possible leaving regret as nothing more than motivation to change.
I now know what I want to do and what I want to avoid, where to eat, and where not too. I loved the city, I loved the energy, I will return with an open heart and some self-control!
On another note:
Speaking of spiritual gurus, I had a small experience myself. I was eating (surprise!) at a well known restaurant called Bali Buda. As I left I was walking and happened to look up at this sign that read Eat, Pray, Love Dr. Wayun. I thought to myself...No Way! I had not gone to Ubud for this reason, nor had I searched this out. I was interested in finding a shaman or simply a spiritual, down to earth person I could talk with and receive some insight. I stopped and stared, I was eyeing around the inside (which is really like a covered patio) trying to see what exactly was in their and must have looked curious because someone called for me to come in. I thought hell, I am here I will check it out. There was an English woman sitting and a local woman wandering looking very distracted. The English woman started asking me some questions and I shared with her what I had heard about Wayun and my interests. I was asking prices and what she offered. The English woman proceeded to tell me here experience, she had been coming to Wayun for 8 years- she helped her loose some excessive weight by guiding her on certain foods to eat, helped her with relationship issues and so forth. Mmm...seemed interesting and worthy of my time (so I thought). Wayun showed me a very poorly done pamphlet (piece of paper with some writing on it) which listed various health issues. I explained that I was healthy and that I had none of these issues but wondered if she offered anything else. She didn't seem to answer my question and began reading my palm. She said "Poor digestion, low blood pressure, easy to get job, history of smoking" -she had asked the English woman to write as she read. I had a difficult time understanding a lot of what she was saying- she speaks very fast as well as poor English. She then showed me a piece of paper with different categories- life span, health, relationships, love, marriage, career etc. She filled out 3 of them which she had determined by the 5 minute palm reading. Handed me the paper and asked for 200,000 Rupiah (roughly 15$) as well as invited me to a lunch she would prepare and serve at her home with 12 others the following day to celebrate the Indonesian New Year and finish my reading. She had also asked for another 200,00 that I bring with me to lunch. I was hesitant but agreed, ultimately I was not convinced she would bring me much enlightenment due to the experience I had in a matter of 15 minutes. Witnessing how the woman operated and communicated it seemed a bit of a scam honestly. But I couldn't help but think I found this place for a reason. And I was excited to experience going to a locals house and eating local food. I arrived the next morning at 10am as she had requested. There was another young woman their waiting, Wayun was running around her tiny patio like her head had fallen off. You could feel the stress, there was another traveler/customer helping her in the kitchen and a young boy helping her. She had me lay on a massage table and the boy began wiping me down with what I think was Banana leaves and "holy" water. All the while a contortion was dripping water on my forehead like the Chinese Torture game. He scrubbed my faced and smooshed my cheeks all around, wiped my chest, my arms, my legs, my feet. But this did not feel any sorts of cleansing, more weird and violating. After about 30 minutes of this she told me to leave and come back at 1145...So I did. Confused. When I came back me and the young woman sat and talked, she had waiting for my cleanse and then received her own cleanse which was a similar experience for her as I had. We talked and waited, and waited, and waited. About 1:15 we were debating on just leaving and going about our day as lunch was supposed to be at 12 at her house. The English woman arrived and asked Wayun what was happening, Wayun mumbled some stuff still running around like crazy and we all just sat there confused. Apparently, according to the English woman this how she is. Eventually a van with 12 people from wellness centers in Dubai on a wellness retreat arrive and we all start loading up and head to her house. Her house is beautiful, amongst the rice paddies in Ubud. (I later learned this is the house she purchased with the money she received from the woman who wrote the book Eat, Pray, Love) I may add I have yet to read this book. Lunch is served and its beautiful and delicious, all vegan super foods. She did an excellent job there, and though it was the most expensive meal I had eaten since traveling (being as the services I received were mute) I am glad to have had the experience. While we were there Wayun began doing some readings on the group from Dubai. Interesting enough the things she was telling them were very similar to what she had told me, and the other girl. And every review you read on Trip Advisor. At this point myself, and the young woman who was their in the morning with me decided to leave and forget the rest of our readings or whatever we had left. It was almost 4pm and I was upset with only having 4 days here, one of which spent sitting around Dr. Wayuns patio. It was an experience I will never forget but one I would never return to. This is not to discredit her abilities, maybe it was just the wrong time. Rumor has it the fame has gotten to her and she seem to personalize any one's experiences because she sees new clients every day. Woman out searching for the same Eat, Pray, Love experience as the book. Maybe my heart wasn't open enough, I wasn't patient enough, or I didn't believe enough. Or it was her luck of the draw the day she told Elizabeth Gilbert that something was blocking her heart and it ended up being breast cancer. (Not that that is a lucky thing to discover by any means). I do know my quest for Ubud was not to eat (even though I did a lot) it was to deepen my spiritual self (though every town I have travelled to has contributed to this) and learning to love myself and the world around me as I discover it (with no expectation of meeting Mr. tall, dark, and handsome in Ubud). I know she ate in Italy, Prayed in India, and fell in Love in Ubud. That's her story. I am still writing mine.
My behavior in Ubud only really effects myself, but it did not display my true thoughts and feelings of the town. I just got into this compulsion I could not seem to get out of. This is part of recovery that continues to arise, not just obsession but compulsion. Being alone (physically) gives me leeway to behave in such compulsions, my integrity to myself can often be questioned. My obsession for food to comfort has grown as I have traveled and being here "allowed" me to be compulsive "because it was healthy" haha. Too much of anything is never a good thing. Even though my personal experience here in Ubud sounds intense, I will be back. Sometimes while traveling i ask myself "am I doing this right?" 'Is there a right way to do this?" Something I have begun to learn and accept is that there is no right way, and sometimes you just have to have regrets. It sparks inspiration to do things different, better, with more passion. There is so much more I wish I did, saw, and experienced. A wish is a dream my heart makes, and my heart knows I will come back for more. Learning to accept regrets, beginning to reflect and determine "how can I do better next time?" Is a lesson to embrace not fear. The phrase or question "will there be a next time?" Need not apply to those that set their intentions and follow their heart. One can make anything possible and doable with passion, motivation, and action. This much I have learned about dreams. Negative toned questions begin to fade, and all becomes possible leaving regret as nothing more than motivation to change.
I now know what I want to do and what I want to avoid, where to eat, and where not too. I loved the city, I loved the energy, I will return with an open heart and some self-control!
On another note:
Speaking of spiritual gurus, I had a small experience myself. I was eating (surprise!) at a well known restaurant called Bali Buda. As I left I was walking and happened to look up at this sign that read Eat, Pray, Love Dr. Wayun. I thought to myself...No Way! I had not gone to Ubud for this reason, nor had I searched this out. I was interested in finding a shaman or simply a spiritual, down to earth person I could talk with and receive some insight. I stopped and stared, I was eyeing around the inside (which is really like a covered patio) trying to see what exactly was in their and must have looked curious because someone called for me to come in. I thought hell, I am here I will check it out. There was an English woman sitting and a local woman wandering looking very distracted. The English woman started asking me some questions and I shared with her what I had heard about Wayun and my interests. I was asking prices and what she offered. The English woman proceeded to tell me here experience, she had been coming to Wayun for 8 years- she helped her loose some excessive weight by guiding her on certain foods to eat, helped her with relationship issues and so forth. Mmm...seemed interesting and worthy of my time (so I thought). Wayun showed me a very poorly done pamphlet (piece of paper with some writing on it) which listed various health issues. I explained that I was healthy and that I had none of these issues but wondered if she offered anything else. She didn't seem to answer my question and began reading my palm. She said "Poor digestion, low blood pressure, easy to get job, history of smoking" -she had asked the English woman to write as she read. I had a difficult time understanding a lot of what she was saying- she speaks very fast as well as poor English. She then showed me a piece of paper with different categories- life span, health, relationships, love, marriage, career etc. She filled out 3 of them which she had determined by the 5 minute palm reading. Handed me the paper and asked for 200,000 Rupiah (roughly 15$) as well as invited me to a lunch she would prepare and serve at her home with 12 others the following day to celebrate the Indonesian New Year and finish my reading. She had also asked for another 200,00 that I bring with me to lunch. I was hesitant but agreed, ultimately I was not convinced she would bring me much enlightenment due to the experience I had in a matter of 15 minutes. Witnessing how the woman operated and communicated it seemed a bit of a scam honestly. But I couldn't help but think I found this place for a reason. And I was excited to experience going to a locals house and eating local food. I arrived the next morning at 10am as she had requested. There was another young woman their waiting, Wayun was running around her tiny patio like her head had fallen off. You could feel the stress, there was another traveler/customer helping her in the kitchen and a young boy helping her. She had me lay on a massage table and the boy began wiping me down with what I think was Banana leaves and "holy" water. All the while a contortion was dripping water on my forehead like the Chinese Torture game. He scrubbed my faced and smooshed my cheeks all around, wiped my chest, my arms, my legs, my feet. But this did not feel any sorts of cleansing, more weird and violating. After about 30 minutes of this she told me to leave and come back at 1145...So I did. Confused. When I came back me and the young woman sat and talked, she had waiting for my cleanse and then received her own cleanse which was a similar experience for her as I had. We talked and waited, and waited, and waited. About 1:15 we were debating on just leaving and going about our day as lunch was supposed to be at 12 at her house. The English woman arrived and asked Wayun what was happening, Wayun mumbled some stuff still running around like crazy and we all just sat there confused. Apparently, according to the English woman this how she is. Eventually a van with 12 people from wellness centers in Dubai on a wellness retreat arrive and we all start loading up and head to her house. Her house is beautiful, amongst the rice paddies in Ubud. (I later learned this is the house she purchased with the money she received from the woman who wrote the book Eat, Pray, Love) I may add I have yet to read this book. Lunch is served and its beautiful and delicious, all vegan super foods. She did an excellent job there, and though it was the most expensive meal I had eaten since traveling (being as the services I received were mute) I am glad to have had the experience. While we were there Wayun began doing some readings on the group from Dubai. Interesting enough the things she was telling them were very similar to what she had told me, and the other girl. And every review you read on Trip Advisor. At this point myself, and the young woman who was their in the morning with me decided to leave and forget the rest of our readings or whatever we had left. It was almost 4pm and I was upset with only having 4 days here, one of which spent sitting around Dr. Wayuns patio. It was an experience I will never forget but one I would never return to. This is not to discredit her abilities, maybe it was just the wrong time. Rumor has it the fame has gotten to her and she seem to personalize any one's experiences because she sees new clients every day. Woman out searching for the same Eat, Pray, Love experience as the book. Maybe my heart wasn't open enough, I wasn't patient enough, or I didn't believe enough. Or it was her luck of the draw the day she told Elizabeth Gilbert that something was blocking her heart and it ended up being breast cancer. (Not that that is a lucky thing to discover by any means). I do know my quest for Ubud was not to eat (even though I did a lot) it was to deepen my spiritual self (though every town I have travelled to has contributed to this) and learning to love myself and the world around me as I discover it (with no expectation of meeting Mr. tall, dark, and handsome in Ubud). I know she ate in Italy, Prayed in India, and fell in Love in Ubud. That's her story. I am still writing mine.
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| Wayun setting up lunch |
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| A street in Ubud. They decorate so eclecticly |
Update: It is now October and I am just getting this blog finished and out for you all to read. Funny enough, Eat, Pray, Love was on the one of 2 English channels I get here in Chiang Mai the other night and I caught it right at the beginning. It was a great movie, although I will say it is very much a movie as I compared the movie form of Ubud, to real life, haha. Regardless I was re-inspired, and re-motivated to continue this personal journey, to continue seeking myself and my purpose in life, finding my bliss and exploring the world. I had my heart opened to allowing the signs or the omens to teach me, to speak to me, to guide me. And that's the purpose of a great story right? To flood one's heart and soul with excitement, joy, inspiration, and love. This quote at the end spoke to me (and also realizing she traveled for a whole year, I'm only 3 months in):
“I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest" — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you." Or so I've come to believe.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
“I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest" — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... then truth will not be withheld from you." Or so I've come to believe.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Blissfuly yours,
Alicia Rose
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