I left my heart in Kuta, Lombok

I spent a week in Southern Lombok after the hike. Kuta, Lombok not to be confused with Kuta, Bali. I fell even more in love with Indonesia. The sun always shinning, the waves always crashing, the beaches are beautiful, the people are beautiful, the food is wonderful, and the vibe, the energy plays my heart strings. 

The girls and I at Mawun Beach

Swinging life away at Tanjung Aan Beach, Lombok

Kuta, Lombok is a surfers town. All the locals surf, the waves are great, the beaches are pretty empty and it has minimal tourists. Which comes with minimal amenities for tourists. This means that most of the locals are incredibly warm and generous, always smiling, always happy to just be alive. Their energy is one of a kind and its contagious. They have the total surfer vibe to them, catch some waves, hang loose, the whole hang ten. I spent a lot of time with a girl I met there from Switzerland, we had so much fun together she even convinced me to try out surfing for a day as she was doing a surf school that week. I did it, I loved it, but it was incredibly hard. I only managed to ride a couple waves out but drank a lot of salt water and got tossed around by a lot of big waves. I almost enjoyed getting pummelled by huge waves more than the surfing :). At one point I wanted to give up but my surf instructor Joe wouldn't let me. He said "You just gotta keep tryin man, you cant give up." This coming from a local that killed the waves haha, poor guy was probably so bored watching me. My arms were dead after two 3 hour sessions in one day. I will definitely be back to take lessons one day and master the surf! 

I am the second one, I did get up and ride a few waves!

I was pretty proud to say I surfed, and swam in the Indian Ocean!!

Kuta Beach, Lombok, Indonesia

I spent quiet a bit of time with the locals there as they all spoke good English which made conversations much easier. I learned a bit of the language while there as well. Tirama Kasih is Thank you, Suk Sumo is Thank you in balinese, Suma Suma is your welcome. Good Morning is Salamat Pagi, Good Night is Salamat malam.  In Kuta you have to rent a motor bike to get to any of the good beaches, which was very much worth having. As it does have a lot of Warangs (cafes) you can walk too and some shopping, the biggest attraction is the beaches and to get there a bike is required, they don't have many taxi's so there is not many other options. That's the difference in being in a touristy town and non-touristy- or one of the differences. Something else I discovered while spending time down here, children are everywhere selling bracelets and sarongs, and whatever else they conjour up. They can be very sweet, their English is excellent, but they are also incredibly pushy. It hurt my heart to eventually have to just ignore them to get them to go away. I mean these were young girls and boys that were very smart and stuck selling stuff to tourists. I have noticed in the little bit I have traveled that as a tourists, especially from a western country, I just look like a big dollar sign to most locals. Kuta just began seeing tourists about 7 years ago and is a safe haven from the madness of Bali. The hope is it does not eventually turn out like Bali. This is why the influx of liter in the waters and streets. They burn all their trash because they do not have a system for disposal. More tourists means more stores, food, and garbage and no means to get rid of it except burning it. Anyways, one can put pieces together on how some locals do not like tourists because we come and destroy their land, we invade on their natural beautiful places, and behave like we are entitled. On the other hand, tourist do provide income for many locals and we open up a connection between cultures and experiences. This is just my thoughts really, as I have become more observant in the different areas and places I go. I fell in love with Kuta, Lombok and the people- I don't know if I could say that enough. I do know I will be back to Indonesia for much longer than 3 weeks. 

A woman from the Sasak Village. She was 100 years old, still spinning thread and maintaining a beautiful spirit.

We also spent a few hours visiting the Sasak Village which lies north of Kuta. It was incredibly eye opening to learn and see how they live their daily lives and the traditions they continue to practice. Indonesia is the largest Muslim country in the world and at least three times a day you can hear them singing prayer from the mosque's. The Sasak village is built from dung and clay molded into huts where they live, raise their children and create the beautiful sarongs and assorted jewlrey. 

A hut in the Sasak Village, this one particular is for drying rice. 

These steps, as well as the floors of all the huts are made with cow dung and clay.

It was interesting to learn that they are all related and come from one family. They marry within the family and begin marriage and starting families as young as 14 for the women and 17 for the boys. 

A young man and his beautiful baby girl

One of the beautiful women in the village, she was actually very smiley I just happen to catch her off guard.

Her beauty and her smile displays such a positive spirit, hiding any struggles and pain.

It is tradition to present the womens family with a cow or buffalo as an exchange for her hand in marriage. Another traditon is to kidknap the woman. I had to consciously prevent myself from making faces or asking judgemental questions while being explained this. It is rude and inappropriate for me to begin judging or making judgemental statements towards their traditonal way of living. This is how they have lived for hundreds of years and is completely normal to them. Just as if they visited America and were taken back by how we live our lives. It is so beautiful to have the opportunity to learn and experience such foreign beliefs and values. Neither is right or wrong, simply just different. I often wondered if the women were happy, as well as the men. Is this how they truly want to live or is it staying true to their beliefs that continues the lifestyle? This is a question you can ask in any culture, even America of course. But the freedom I have to travel, experience, and be myself continuing to grow and learn about diverse cultures, its a freedom many do not have the opportunity to do. Not because of money, but due to the values and the consistency of those that came before them. This culture appears to struggle with changing old patterns and to try to break free could result in punishment or being ostracized from their families. I found myself very thankful to have the opportunity to learn about the culture and change my way of thinking right in that moment to an open mind rather than a judgemental mind. We see the world the way in which we choose to see it, we perceive the world based on our experiences, to have the ability to allow my sights to expand and my perception to alter enriches my soul and touches my heart.

From the tops of the rocks overlooking the beauty of the Indian Ocean

Blissfully Yours,

Alicia

Oh this guy snuck up on me while trying to take a selfie and stole my water bottle, he almost got my bag. He came out of no where! I was high up on these rocks that had no trees or anything. 

"See no evil"

Mt. Rinjani

I spent a week on Gili Air and I feel it was exactly what I needed, saltwater, sand and sun. I met up with Alina- who I met in Pai, Thailand- and a few of her friends. We traveled to Lombok together on a mission to hike Mt. Rinjani. Arriving in Sanur, Lombok hoping to find a hostel to sleep at and a guide to hire for the hike we discovered that the entire town was booked up because of a Ultra-Trail run. The town was full of people from all over the world getting ready to run 52 miles up to the top of Mt. Rinjani and back down. They would begin in the dark at 10pm. Luckily we found a very nice man named Somu who opened up a room in his own home for all 5 of us to share. This was quiet the experience within itself. The room had one bed, that three of us shared, a matress on the floor for the other two, and a squat toilet with no shower. Although, when I asked about a shower he pointed at the cemet filled tub of water that is used to pour down the toilet (their version of flushing). Its moments like this I am reminded of the luxuries I was raised with and that a shower (that I am used to) is very much so a luxury. Anyway,  he runs a tour company but his homestay was full with runners. We got our guide hired and everything figured out and were able to relax for a bit. Somu, his wife, mother, and son brought us tea and Ramadan snacks. It was incredibly neat to have this experience. He shared he has been running his business for 25 years. His grandson was going to be our guide. Though we had to haggle a bit for prices on things he was overall a very generous man that helped us tremendously. The next morning before sunrise we all awoke and headed out to breakfast. Our hike began somewhere around 8 or 9am. We all began with high spirits and energy, which really didnt fade as we had to keep each other motivated to push forward. This hike though, let me just tell you, was one of the hardest if not physically hardest things I have ever done. Ever. I am struggling to find words to begin to describe this experience. Our porters (locals who carry our stuff on bamboo sticks and hike either barefoot or in flip flops while smoking) had taken off ahead of us. We eventually all met at base camp two where we had lunch. This hike though, is a continuous up hill battle. There is not a point where the ground evens out and you walk flat, we were continuously climbing the entire time. We stopped and had lots of snacks and the porters bring burners and gas and food to cook us wholesome meals- rice, eggs, vegetables, soup, coffe. They dont serve us sandwiches and chips and granola bars. That was pretty interesting to observe and figure out why bring all the cooking stuff. But thats how they do it here. Eventually we all kind of broke off in our own pace, and each base camp was like an ahhhhhhhchievement. Watching the locals run up and down this mountain in flip flops with cigarettes hanging out of their mouth blew my mind. We also were able to witness the first and well all of Ultra marathon finishers and cheer them on. I can tell you that as I climbed, and my muscles became worn, and the heat was disturbing- my feet were swelling and blistering-my mind continued to repeat "you can do this, you are capable, you are strong." I mean once we started, stopping and turning around really became no option. Imagine if that was like everything in life, imagine if everything we tried-started-or wanted to do was like climbing a mountain. You begin, and it would actually hurt more to stop and turn around. Imagine all of the things we could accomplish! When finshing becomes my only option, the mindset I have begings to change. I can do this, I will do this, not try. "Do or do not, there is no try"-Yoda

                           The view from Sanur, Lombok at the base of Mt. Rinjani

This is on of the 3 porters that carried our stuff. 

After about 7 hours of climbing, even rock climbing at the very end, I made it to the rim of the crater. 2,639 meters or 8658 feet elevation gain  This was the hike we had done instead of the summit to do time constraints. The summit is 1000m higher than the rim. I am damn happy with having done the rim, and will be back to conquer the summit some day! 

A Volcano within a volcano...

Eventually we all met at the rim with smiles and cheers of accomplishment and pride. Our porters and guide were shortly behind us with their 40 kilos of bamboo sticks they each carried. The view of the crater was breath taking- A turquois lake with another volcano inside the lake. We watched the sunset and the clouds roll in and out. As the clouds rolled in their was a point where you couldn't see anything around and then as quickly as they rolled in, they rolled out again.I felt like I was sitting on top of the world, the pride, the joy, the beauty that surrounded. I was connected with nature in an entire new way and seeing the beauty of mother nature with great appreciation. I was also dead tired, and about to have the worst night of sleep I have ever had in my life. I think anyways. As I am a backpacker, I didnt pack much warm clothes for sleeping on top of a volcano with. I had some long pants, a long shirt, and a old tattered jacket I had rented from Sumo. Julianne (a woman who joined us for the hike whom we all quickly became good friends with) and I shared a tent. I am pretty sure neither of us really slept, it was freezing cold, and incredibly uncomfortable. I think I just laid there with my eyes clothes praying for morning. Morning came, we had banana pancakes and set out on our trekk back down this volcano. Coming down was not nearly as mentally challenging but almost more physically challenging. We got down in about 2 or 3 hours, covered in dirt and sweat. My legs we near the point of collapsing, we basically ran down the mountain. The pressure it puts on your knees and thighs coming down makes going slow worse than jogging down. But nevertheless, we made it off that volcano! I would highly recommend this experience, I would go as far to say that one should do the summit if they have the time and money (it costs a bit more and is 4 or 5 days). The sunset, sunrise, view, and overall experience is one that I could never imagine forgetting. I am grateful to have such an experience that pushed me physically, mentally, and spiritually connected me with mother nature. I can say I hiked the second highest volcano in Indonesia, and if you know Indonesia, you know its full of volcanos! I cannot seem to find out how many miles or kilometers we hiked total. But I can tell you my legs hurt for 5 days after this hike, and though I have not been working out like I did back home or running like I used to, I am in fairly good shape for trekking and what not. This was brutal on my legs- though I did not stretch and that is my fault. More than anything the view, defeating my negative thoughts and the sense of accomplishment made it all worth it.

All of us at the rim

The sunset above the clouds

Our tea time and Ramadan snacks made with love by Sumo's family

The sun loved the moon as so it would disappear each night so the moon could shine bright

Sunrise <3

Blissfuly yours,
Alicia

New country. new scene, hello Gili Air

I flew to Indonesia on the 30th of July, and there began my adventure of beautiful beaches, and lots of sunshine. I headed straight to the Gili Islands- Gili Air to be exact. I took a fast boat that was really not that safe- but did the job and got me to a beautiful paradise island. As I found my hostel- it was to my surprise I had booked a tent to sleep in, not a bamboo dorm as hostelworld had described. I met the owner who was incredibly nice and I felt stupid for saying to him..." I really booked a tent?" He replied "do you have a problem with sleeping in a tent- its not that bad" I decided no, I can totally sleep in a tent I love camping and it isnt like I am spending much time there anyways. Really just to sleep and store my stuff. I encountered another disappointment that first evening on Gili Air. I checked in to my hostel and scurried to the beach because I was hot, and ready for an early evening swim. I arrived at the beach, and was in utter disappointment. The tide was far out and swimming was not going to happen, I walked along the beach around the entire island hoping to find a swimming hole. I sat down for dinner and began writing in my journal. As I reflect back on my writing, I beat myself up pretty bad when I have expectations. I struggle to let go, and just be in the moment. Nothing is ever going to be exactly as I think it should be.

             I ended up extending my stay at this hostel from 3 nights to 7. I found grasshoppers, crickets, spiders, nats, mosqitos and what have you in the tent and just shoo'd them out like it was no big deal. And to many it wouldnt be, but for me thinking about sleeping where bugs are crawling makes my skin crawl- but I did it anyways. For 7 days. Sleeping in a tent also meant no wifi and no plug in's for my electronics. Here began the change once again- and a pretty drastic change. My phone and wifi can be pretty comforting and distracting. I managed to adapt pretty quickly and enjoyed it. Not waking up and checking facebook while still in bed was nice. Hanging out at the charging station enforced conversations with other travelers which was also nice. I met a group of volunteer english teachers that were teaching on Bali and had come to the Gili's for the weekend. We spent the next few days together snorkeling and relaxing on the beach. I connected with a few of the girls and have now stayed in contact with them since seperating. I continue to fall in love with the new people I meet and become friends with. We share similar thoughts, aspirations, goals, and dreams. Saying goodbye becomes easier because you know its not goodbye- it's an opportunity to say hello again someday.

     I think I have written this before, and probably will again. I am getting used to meeting people and before I know it saying goodbye. It is a part of traveling but you begin to wonder why? Why am I meeting this person- only to have to let go so quick? Is it the lesson of embracing the moment, enjoying the company for what it is and then allowing it to leave- one of the teachings of Buddhism that continues to come up for me. Attatchement can lead to suffering, so maybe these brief encounters are teaching us how to love the moment, stay in the moment with each other- appreciate that moment & allow it to slowly dissapate as quickly as it appeared. With out pain & regret, and maintaining hope that a reunion , a new connection will come again. Am I meeting little pieces, and different versions of myself? Does the energies of our soul bring us together from opposite sides of the world? If nothing else, the human connection- even for a short time- reminds me we are all one.

We have the sun, the moon, and the world between our fingers, and in a snap we sparkle like the stars.

Blissful yours,
Alicia Rose

Lost in the storm

My adventures in China Town, Bangkok....

On the same day I met the nice gentlemen on the bus, I also was immersed and lost in the MBK mall that is absolutely, ridiculously, insanely to big with way to much stuff for sale. It is absurd. I made my way out of the mall, and headed for China Town. It was early evening at this point, I walked and walked and eventually found China Town. I could tell by the red lanterns and the Chinese lettering on buildings and restaurants. Each side street had food stalls and eventually I found an excellent place to eat at. What caught my attention is the giant flames the chef was producing and the show he was putting on. Mind you this is a street vendor, their display of veggies and meats were delicious looking and you could tell this place attracted lots of locals and tourists. I grabbed a seat and ordered some grilled squid :). While I waited (quite a long time) I watched the show of his cooking techniques. I noticed a photo hanging of the chef and his crew on what appeared to be some show. I snapped a picture of the name of the food stall. Eventually I got my dinner and just as I did the torrential down pour of Bangkok began. Luckily I was covered, but part of the chef's cooking area was not, the crew scrambled to pull out the covers and get everything situated. Here you have to just expect rain, and lots of it. I finished and headed down the main drag dodging into doorways to escape the rain. I ended up in a doorway with a few locals, and a British man who lived in Bangkok. We chatted and all shared sticky mango rice while watching all the food stalls continue to try to sell deserts and snacks in the pouring rain. That is something I have noticed here in Thailand, they are the hardest workers I have ever seen. They can sell you anything, and will if you fall prey. But they also never stop working, rain or shine, customers or not. I decided I would be waiting all night for the rain to go away so I caught a Tuk Tuk and began making my way back to my hostel. I was on the complete other side of town so it was quite the ride in the thunder and lightening and down pour. I had asked the driver to take me to Ko San road because I knew my hostel was near there. When we arrived I explained to him that I did not recognize where I was and we both attempted to locate my hostel on a paper map and my phone. The problem was my hostel was not showing up on the map and I could not figure out the exact street it was on on the paper map. He drove me around for a bit trying to help me but eventually he had to drop me off. I got out and panicked. I looked around and around and felt so completely lost and afraid. I was in a dress, in the pouring down rain, the street was lit up with white christmas lights on the trees. The thunder would smack and the lightening would strike and the I stood there sobbing. Like a scene from a movie. It was a moment of weakness followed by a moment of growth. I mean, I couldn't just stand there and cry in hopes someone rescued me.  This was a moment I had to grow up and figure it out. So I did, I walked down some really sketchy alley ways, dark and empty roads. I hadn't felt fear walking alone at night in Thailand until now, though I think it was fused by the fear of not finding my hostel and then enhanced by the fact that I was in Bangkok, and not a smaller city. I rescued myself, I grew up a little bit that night and all it took was a change of mind set and some walking around until I began to recognize streets. I determined that the driver had dropped me off on the opposite side of Koh San road that I had not yet been to. Thus why I didn't recognize anything. I made it to my room, my very dirty hostel (stains-not actual dirt) and though it appeared displeasing I was very comforted to be there. I watched the lightening from the roof that night and the bats fly above my head. My room was on the top floor with an opening to the roof where I could go and watch the storms each night. I reflected- I felt weak for crying and panicking- yet I felt strong for pushing through and figuring it out. Even though I really had no choice but too figure it out.  I don't think that takes a lot of strength but its something you learn to do while traveling. You get in situations and have no choice but too figure out how to get through them. Stop, breathe, pray, and think clearly and logically.

Blissfully yours,
Alicia

The man on the bus

While I was in Bangkok, I decided to take the water taxi's and skytrain around the city just to explore. I had heard about a huge mall called MBK and wanted to check that out as well. I began my day wandering around the city. Eventually I hopped on a free city bus that was supposed to take me to the skytrain per my directions on my phone. Well, I have learned that GPS on our phones are just not reliable in foreign countries like they are back home. The bus driver was very helpful and told me which stop I needed to get off at and which bus I needed to get on. Something wonderful about this was I felt no anxiety, nor did I panic- although I was on a bus with only locals. Not a single foreigner, and I can only assume most of them did not speak any English, along with the bus driver. But I found myself in a state of "I feel okay, not freaked out, not scared" I may be lost, but who cares? While I was in this moment of "calmness" and trying to pay attention to where I was outside of the bus a man came and sat behind me and began asking me where I was heading. He spoke decent English, and appeared to be genuinely wondering- not creepy or weird. I shared I was headed to MBK but was exploring the city. He proceeded to tell me he will get off with me and take me on the skytrain to show me how to ride it. As hesitant as I was to accept I did. I did not get any weird feelings, I trust my gut and it was not giving me any alerts here. We got off the bus and walked to board the skytrain, he explained the different fees and how to pay (its not as simple as you think at first). He showed me the map- where we were and where I was headed- which stop to get off at. He said we could pay the fee of 22THB and ride the skytrain through out the city. Takes about an hour but you can see all of Bangkok from above, and so we did. He asked where I was from, I shared with him the United States. He shared he had lived in Florida for 4 or 6 years for school- he has a degree in computer science. That is where he learned English. Eventually we had to get off the skytrain, and get back on to go the other direction. He asked me if I was going to get something to eat and unfortunately because I am extra cautious I lied and said I was meeting a friend at the mall. He eventually got off the skytrain to head home, and I headed to the mall. I could not help but think about if I was a male, I could have spent the afternoon with a local, getting the experience I have been longing for on this trip. I could have let this gentlemen show me around the city, take me to eat where locals eat, maybe meet his family or friends. If I was a male I would have felt much more comfortable in this situation. But because I am a young, solo, female I have to protect myself and stay smart. Part of staying smart is avoiding situations that could seem harmless and quickly turn dangerous. IT SUCKS! I am sure he was harmless, I never got a weird feeling. The locals in Thailand love to help, or at least it is perceived that they love to help foreigners. Every time I have been lost, someone helps me the best they can. I truly believe he was just being nice and helpful and wanted to show a foreigner around the city. I couldn't help but continue to think about how frustrating it is to be a solo female traveler when seeking experiences that are off the beaten path. Outside of the touristy places, in the villages and depths of neighborhoods most foreigners wouldn't venture too. How does a female get to those experiences without putting herself in danger? Or is it worth the risk and one hopes for the best? I am writing this blog about 3 weeks after this incident actually happened and I still contemplate this, and wonder if I am allowing the fear of danger prevent me from getting the experiences I am longing for. I have little to no interest in the touristy stuff as I continue to travel, I want the raw, unfiltered cultural experience.

Learning to dance in the rain

I am bummed I have gotten so far behind in my blogging, even though I have been keeping up in my moleskin journal. My last 10 days in Thailand were full of growth, journeys, and of course emotions. Ayuttahya, Thailand was a beautiful town, I absolutely loved it there. If I was to get sick anywhere, I was glad it was there. I made a wonderful new friend from Ireland- but originally from France- Mary-Laur, as well as met up with a new friend that lives there who gave me so much assistance and advice. I got to explore the ruins and the beautiful temples that scatter the grounds. I was invited to an elementary school with my friend Judith to watch her teach English. The kids were so adorable and sweet and well behaved. They are so appreciative of learning, especially English. The girls adored me and I fell in love with a whole new aspect of travel. The ability to contribute to the society I am traveling in. Teaching English has now become an option and a possibility I may choose to embark on at some point. Not only for the ability to live in a foreign country, but to teach cute little kids and venture down an avenue I had never once considered. Mary-Laur and I had a lot of great conversations and formed a bond that I will forever remember. She kept me company as well as really made sure I was okay while I was sick. I am becoming so grateful for the people I am meeting on this journey, the opportunity to hear others stories and relate. Something I wrote in my journal while wide awake at 2am as I was getting better: "I often think how crazy it is that I am in Thailand, I am traveling Southeast Asia alone. Even though I am not really alone. Creator is always with me, as well I continue to meet wonderful strangers traveling, exploring, and growing just like me. I am often exploring by myself- yet when I am open and receptive I find I meet others easily. I experience a lot of the hardest times in my own head-it tells me I can't do this, I am not doing it right- I fall prey to these thoughts and begin wanting to come home. Wanting to escape the difficult times and go back to comfort. Similar to recovery- when I stopped using and began doing the work shit got painful. I never gave up- I continued one day at a time. My grandpa used to tell me- sometimes we have to take it one minute at a time. Sometimes while traveling all you can do is take it one minute at a time. Develop the ability to stay present, in the moment, and embrace everything- utilizing all my senses and just be. Being in a constant state of uncomfortability-slight confusion- and lost is something I am learning to cope with."

Mary- Laur and I both ventured to Bangkok together as she knew I was pretty nervous to head there solo. That is where we went seperate ways.

                                                             Ruins in Ayuttahya

Mary-Laur and I in Bangkok!

You begin to cope with goodbyes- which are never really goodbyes- you begin to understand how to enjoy a friendship without becomming attatched to prevent suffering and embrace it for all that it is.

Hello Bangkok! I faced another fear- being in Bangkok- and it really was not all that bad. I had a taxi drop me of near Koh San Road to find a hostel. I found a place luckily and got one night- the price you pay for not booking ahead is wandering towns in the heat with your bag hoping for clean sheets and a decent bathroom at a decent price. I was sleeping in a dorm for my first time on this trip a 14-bed female dorm. It wasnt as exciting as I thought it would be. I explored Koh San road which is crazy- so much tourism- so many people- so much crap to buy. Something I am beginning to notice is the amount of "stuff" or in other words junk that is for sale. They sell EVERYTHING. The following morning I met 2 travelers from the states that I would end up spending the day with. We rode water taxis and navigated our way to the laying Buddha. As we were headed to another temple the rain began- and boy did it pour. The drops are huge, the rain is heavy, and there aren't many places to hide. Ahad- one of the travelers I was with- and I decided to make light of the unfortunate situation and we began to dance in the rain. I laughed so much, I had never truely danced in the rain- or I have it has just been many years since I have and really enjoyed it. Letting go of worrying what was to come next, how would I dry off, if I would be cold. We just danced away the worries of the storm. Isn't there a quote about this?

 "Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"

A panoramic view of the storm beginning in Bangkok.

The next few days were spent exploring Bangkok on my own- riding water taxi's, getting lost, visitng giant shopping malls and just getting a taste of Bangkok. I slept in a really dirty hostel near Koh San Road, but it was cheap. Thunder and lightening storms put me to sleep each night, the loudest thunder I have ever heard, and giant purple lightening strikes. I met a gentlement on a bus that would teach me how to ride the skytrain and I got lost at night in a storm that brought me to tears of fear and panick. I will write a blog about those two events to describe them more thoroughly. I spent a total of 4 days in Bangkok which was enough for me. I will go back and explore, there is so much to see and do there. Bangkok is like cake, you have a little piece to enjoy its taste- but if you have to much it becomes overwhelming and sickening.... ;0)

I overcame another fear- even hit a meeting while there. I am beginning to see my fears are all in my head- I create them and intensify them and if I allow them to control what I do, my experiences and my life will be controlled by fear and limitation will remain. I seek a life with no limitations- especially ones created in my own head.

Blissfully yours,
Alicia

The train ride to the hospital

Monday the 20th I awoke feeling pretty terrible, didn't sleep well at all. Tossed, turned, hot, cold, neck cramps, and back ache. Were all these rock solid beds catching up to my body? I couldn't figure out why such the terrible nights sleep but I awoke, went to the train station to check out tickets for Ayutthaya and ended up purchasing a ticket that departed in 40 minutes! I had to run back to the hostel, pack my bags jimmy rigged and quick like and headed back to the station. They told me to wait at platform two, and I guess there is only 2 platforms so I was supposed to know which was which, while everything is labeled in Thai. I was waiting and waiting, no trains. I showed another guy my ticket and I had to hop the tracks in order to be on platform 2. At this point I was really hoping for some Harry Potter to come to life and tell me to head to platform 2 and 3/4. The train came, and boy was this a train.....an old, dirty, rickety, train. The loudest thing I have ever ridden in, clink, clank, bump, as you worked hard to stay in your seat. Remember the windows on school buses? Where you push in on each side and the window drops or raises, that's what these windows were like, and you could drop them all the way down and well just hope out if you fancied. When I asked for the toilet, the guy laughed and pointed. I just sank in my seat, oh boy....why is he laughing. I mean toilets can be pretty bad here so how much worse can it get? Well I eventually had no choice but to find out. What I found was a dirty, silvery hole in the ground, I wouldn't even consider it a squat toilet. I would call this "Dancing target practice" because you have to figure out the rhythm of the train and its sways and bumps while focusing on a hole in the ground in the squat position, without letting your pants near the ground, touching the walls, and maintaining your purse in your lap as well. And then you have to wipe (thank goodness they did have TP here). It was probably the most impressive squat Ive popped. Ever. And I had to do it twice on this 6 hour train ride. During the entire ride I had a migraine like I have never experienced before, I was sweating profusely while having goosebumps and chills and my entire body ached. I was not exactly sure what was going on but it did not make the train ride from hell any better. On top of the fact that hardly any English was spoken so I just prayed they would announce Ayutthaya. They announced every stopped, in Thai, and I never understood where we were. Nearing the time we were supposed to arrive in Ayutthaya I checked the maps on my phone, it appeared we had passed my stop, I failed to see the direction my little blue dot was heading of course. I asked if we had passed Ayutthaya the guy says "Ayutthaya, YES!" I am like, um no...? He says again "Ayutthaya, yes!" I repeated myself, we passed it? He says YES! and I begin to panic. I asked what I should do and he looked very confused, he told me there was 3 stops, I thought "Great, I am about to walk my happy ass from the middle of nowhere because I missed my stop" this chaos goes on for about 5 minutes, I eventually look at my phone again and see that we had in fact not passed Ayutthaya. Something I have learned, Thais don't quite understand yes and no, or they dont say no. Regardless of what your asking they dont respond with "No". Anyways, I arrived in Ayutthaya just short of a panic attack that afternoon, along with feeling like I was literally dying. I hoped off the train, ate some fruit, hopped on a 5B water taxi, got on the island and searched for a Hostel. Eventually I found what I was looking for on a street with lots of other backpackers, I stayed at a place called "Goodluck Guest House." I got my room, and passed out for like 5 hours.

I awoke, still feeling of death. I came down to eat, got a little food down and determined my symptoms were pretty severe and concerning. I was about ready to head to the hospital as a friend of mine that lives here had suggested. I happened to meet another traveler, that little did I know would end up being an Angel for me the next few days. I told her how sick I was feeling and she had offered to go to the hospital with me. I decided to wait it out until the morning and headed to bed. Getting practically no sleep once again, tossing and turning. I was in the most pain I had ever felt in my entire life. My neck, my back, my knees, my elbows, my ankles, every joint on my body felt as though something had eaten away all the jelly substance that makes your joints move able. I would try to get up to go to the rest room and almost buckle to the floor. I couldn't stand straight, everything hurt. I was constantly sweating, and freezing and it was near 95 degrees here. My head was pounding like I had been knocked out over and over. I was in a constant state of dizziness, like my head felt like it was floating and I was seeing black spots everywhere. I was drinking as much water as I could get down, this was crazy. Tuesday morning Marie-Laure (My new friend) came to check on me because I had not made it down before 10am. I let her know I needed to go to the hospital and she had offered and decided to come with. I thought that was so incredibly sweet. I mean I was pretty frightened to go to the hospital in a foreign country alone. To describe the hospital experience in short....First off, their medical staff and process is wonderful. I felt very taken care of, they sell coconut oil everything right when you walk in which is beautiful in itself. It is clean, nobody is waiting to be seen. But, for someone who does not speak Thai, or two of us that do not speak Thai, and a staff full of non English speaking individuals. This became scary, fast. Some English was spoken but barely. When trying to describe symptoms, how long, whats going on, with the hope that they are understanding me and going to be able to treat me correctly became scary and frustrating. Eventually, some tests were done, we barely had to wait around, but I was tired, I was in a lot of pain, I sweating like crazy, then getting very cold, I had this great women with me that had a lot more patience and tolerance than I did at this moment who helped me a lot. The first thought was Dengue fever, they out ruled the flu, and thank goodness Dengue fever. But informed me I had a Bacteria infection in my blood, but could not tell me where it was coming from or how I got it. That in itself is really scary. As well as hearing this in barely spoken English, and that I am going to take an antibiotic and hope it works and get better. What if thats a miss diagnose?! What if it doesnt go away?! What if I have a reaction to the antibiotic?! What if I get even more sick?! WHAT IF!?!? Well I had to have faith, and let these doctors do their job, and trust and believe that my god would not bring me here to die from some stupid sickness. It just isnt going to happen that way. After I think maybe a total of 3 hours spent at the hospital, I paid 100$ for everything, tests, doctors, and prescriptions and was on my way home. I managed to sleep on and off the rest of that day and most of Wednesday still in excruciating pain.
While I was at the hospital I managed to have a few emotional and mental breakdowns while telling family and a few friends back home that I was sick and at the hospital. When shit gets that serious you begin to really get home sick, and sick of not having anyone that speaks your language, and sick of being alone. Sometimes you just want your mom, and best friends. Well thats what I wanted, I cried a lot. I just wanted to give up, I wanted to go home. I had had enough, Maybe I wasn't ready for this, maybe I am not prepared for anything to happen, maybe I am not a traveler. Sometimes I dont know how to cope, I struggle to just have faith and believe it will all be okay. Sometimes I just want comfort of family and friends, I want comfort of the known rather than constantly living in the unknown. Somethings I just want the easy route. Not everyone can be a world traveler and maybe I dont have the heart and the strength to keep traveling. I seem to be feeling weak often, and missing home often and struggling often so maybe this is my sign that I just need to come home. I gave it a shot, I traveled, I explored, I am sick now and I want my bed and my family. I am pretty sure voiced this to my mother, and a couple of my friends. I freaked my mom out pretty bad, which is something I am good at doing, when I panick I get others in a panick. I dont want to be adult about stuff. But I learned from this situation, I appologized to my mom. And I am an adult, in a foreign country, on my own-but creator is all around me protecting me I just have to remember that.

My siblings, my aunts, my parents, my friends all reached out to me while I was sick and gave me words of encouragement, motivation and pure love. I truely believe that everyones well wishes and thoughtful prayers lifted my spirit and my sickness because I eventually got better! I am so grateful to have the amazing and wonderful support that I have, it brings tears to my eyes. Everytime I recieved a message from someone I would literally cry happy tears. I cry a lot lately. Mostly happy, astonishing, joyful, grateful tears. I survived, I conquered the head, the thoughts, and the physical pain, I prayed a lot, and wrote a lot. Sometimes a sickness guides you to the healing light you need to begin to recover within the soul.

PS...I had started smoking again when I lost my vape here, I didn't want to admit it because I hate it. But being sick a cigarette sounded disgusting and as I sit here and type it is Sunday and I have 5 days no cigs, now that I have quit I can admit it ;)

Love,
Alicia